Here is a first email that does almost everything wrong. Read it and the facts below, then press Start exercise for four tasks: find the problems, match each problem with a better alternative, sort the lines into "rewrite" and "cut", and finally rewrite the whole email. The email and the facts stay on this page, so you can close the exercise to look something up and carry on where you were.
The email
All companies, people and figures are invented for teaching.
Relecloud is a fictional company that backs up business data in the cloud. Dennis Ward, one of its salespeople, sends this to Wide World Importers, a fictional importer of household goods with 120 employees in the UK.
Relecloud Sales Team
noreply@relecloud.example
Re: Your invoice #48213
Dear Sir or Madam, I hope this email finds you well! My name is Dennis Ward and I am Senior Business Development Executive at Relecloud, the world's leading provider of next-generation cloud backup solutions. Since 2011 we have won numerous awards and today we serve thousands of satisfied customers in over 40 countries. Our platform offers automated backups, end-to-end encryption, 24/7 support, unlimited storage, mobile apps, AI-powered threat detection and much, much more. Data loss can destroy a business overnight. Can you really afford to lose everything? Most companies are just one click away from disaster!!! That is why I am offering you an EXCLUSIVE 50% discount, but ONLY if you sign up before midnight tonight. Please open the attached presentation (Relecloud_Offer_2026.zip) for all the details. Can we schedule a 60-minute demo this week? Also, could you forward this email to your IT manager and your CEO? And please let me know your current backup provider, your number of servers and your annual IT budget. Looking forward to your reply! Dennis Ward Senior Business Development Executive Relecloud
What Dennis could have known
These facts are public and true in this scenario. Use them in your rewrite.
Topic | Fact |
|---|---|
The right contact | Olivia Grant, IT manager. The team page of Wide World Importers' website lists her with her email address. |
A trigger | The company's news page says it opened a second warehouse in Birmingham in September. |
Another trigger | A current job advert for a systems administrator mentions "moving our order system to new servers". |
Proof Relecloud may use | Relecloud backs up the order systems of 25 wholesalers and importers. No client may be named. |
A useful offer | A free one-page checklist: "Backing up a second site" |
Signature | Dennis Ward, Account Manager, Relecloud Ltd, Unit 6, Mill Yard, Leeds, 0113 496 0001 |
Wide World Importers is a limited company in the UK. There, an email like this may be sent to a company if the sender says who they are and gives a valid address for opt-outs (an overview, not legal advice). In Germany, for example, it would generally need the recipient's prior consent.
A model answer
This is one good answer, not the only one. It has about 110 words in the body, down from about 180.
Dennis Ward
dennis.ward@relecloud.example
Backups for your new Birmingham warehouse
Hi Ms Grant, I saw on your website that Wide World Importers opened a second warehouse in Birmingham in September, and that you are moving your order system to new servers. A second site and a server move are exactly when backups tend to slip through the gaps. We back up the order systems of 25 wholesalers and importers, including the move from old servers to new ones. Would a one-page checklist for backing up a second site be useful? Best regards, Dennis Ward Account Manager, Relecloud Ltd Unit 6, Mill Yard, Leeds 0113 496 0001 If this is not relevant, just reply "no" and I will not write again.
What changed:
Subject: honest and about the reader's news, instead of a fake invoice.
Sender and greeting: a real person writes to the IT manager by name, not a no-reply address to info@.
Opener: two public facts from the company's own website, with the source.
Proof: one true, specific fact replaces "world's leading", "numerous awards" and "thousands of customers".
No pressure: the fear paragraph, the capitals, the discount and the deadline are gone.
No attachment: a checklist is offered instead of a ZIP file.
One ask: one easy question replaces five requests.
Signature and opt-out: a postal address, a phone number and an easy way to say no.
Teacher notes
How to run it (40 minutes). 5 minutes: learners read the bad email alone and underline everything that would make them delete it. 15 minutes: the quiz, matching and sorting tasks. 15 minutes: the rewrite in the trainer, which starts with the bad email so learners can cut and change it. 5 minutes: compare two rewrites with the model answer. With a class link, learners hand in a result code at the end.
What the trainer checks. Simple text patterns: a greeting with Olivia Grant's name, the company name, a trigger from the facts table, exactly one question mark, and none of "hope this finds you well", urgency words, discounts or attachments. Then an opt-out phrase and a sign-off followed by a name. Every check fails on the starting draft, and the draft has about 180 words, so learners have to cut. The checks are hints, not a grade; the self-checks and a human reader matter more.
Common mistakes.
Fixing the wording but keeping the structure: a polite version of five asks is still five asks.
Keeping one "small" claim such as "award-winning" because it sounds harmless. Ask: can Olivia check it?
Replacing the fear paragraph with a softer fear paragraph ("Are your backups really safe?").
Using both triggers and the proof and an offer, and ending up at 160 words.
Forgetting the sender side: the From line and the no-reply address are part of the problem, even though the trainer only checks the body.
Follow-up questions.
Which three problems would you fix first if you only had one minute? (Most answers: the misleading subject, the five asks, the missing way to say no.)
Which problems are about trust, which about effort for the reader, and which could be legal problems?
Why does the bad email ask for the IT budget? What would you think if a stranger asked you that?
What would change if Wide World Importers were in Germany? (Advertising by email would generally need prior consent under § 7 UWG; see cold email and the law.)
Going further. Check a whole outreach process with the outreach compliance checklist, or write an email from scratch in the cold email writing trainer.